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| Odd Blogs Just about every newspaper has a section devoted to the weird and wonderful goings on in the World. Quite often they're referred to as "Odd Spots". Of course there's more to the story waiting to be told. It justs needs a little irrational thought to read between the lines and see THE REAL STORY... |
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Friday, August 08, 2003 POO POO POETRY Many great ideas have come to great people whilst on the toilet.... This is defintely not one of them: Little poo, floating in the loo Little poo, nothing I can do Little poo, l'm going to flush you Little poo, sorry to have to tell you Little poo, nobody wants you Little poo, little poo Little poo, I can still see you posted by Steve | 2:33 PM Wednesday, July 16, 2003 SATISFIED??? There, I've finally updated my blog for the first time in weeks. Hope that satisfies your insationable desire for Pantsdown's view of the world. posted by Steve | 4:09 AM HEY MAN. WANNA BUY SOME "J"? Wednesday July 16, 2003 A US judge has dropped aggravated assault and burglary charges against a man after psychologists agreed the episode was provoked by excessive consumption of jasmine tea, causing him to dream of biblical struggles between good and evil. It seems that George W Bush has the same jasmine tea problem. He often has illusions of biblical struggles between good and evil. I'm gonna try this jasmine tea thing out and then check on my friends at www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com. posted by Steve | 4:02 AM THE RIGHT JOB FOR YOU The Age. Wednesday July 16, 2003. Tom, 27, is looking for work as an administrative assistant, so he was surprised yesterday when the Government's new Job Network software suggested he consider working as a call-girl. "Ladies of all ages wanted for busy city escort agency!" read the job vacancy emailed to him overnight by the Job Network's state-of-the-art electronic referrals database. Meanwhile, in Western Australia, 41-year-old Mark Coddington's Job Network offer was from an overseas-based company telling him all he needed to do was receive money for them in Australia and deposit it in their bank account. "We now hiring a honest, reliable partner in Australia , who agree to receive payments from our customers. You receive UP TO 5%!!! for just receiving payments!" read Mr Coddington's oddly worded job offer. Employment Services Minister Mal Brough, on launching the Job Network's new electronic database, declared that it would "open up opportunities which people in the past only dreamt of". The two puzzled job seekers are among 700,000 unemployed people who can now use Australian Job Search, a national Government-administered database matching jobless people with job vacancies. Every night, the database sorts through available vacancies and available job seekers, and tries to match them up. What the hell's going on! Years ago when I was on the dole the useless morons at the employment office never found good jobs like these. They'd come up with all sorts of crap like factory worker, office clerk, telemarketer. Real shit jobs, not once was I offerred something in my chosen professions of Gigalo or better still a honest to goodness get rich quick scheme. The IT revolution is bringing so many benefits. And as computers get smarter I'm sure we can all hope to be employed in decent soul satisfying jobs like the ones these lucky fellows were offered. If we do away with all the stress of looking for the right job, perfect partner, nice place to live etc. and let the computers make all our major life decisions the Earth will become such a peaceful place, no wars, no crime, no pollution. We can just float in our little individual tanks and produce good clean environmentally friendly electricity for our friends The Computers. Now I must be off. I have to register at the employment office. posted by Steve | 3:43 AM Monday, June 23, 2003 IT'S LIKE THAT IS IT??? Not one comment in regard to the readers poll I posted 2 weeks ago. Don't know why I bothered really. Don't even know why I'm even bothering to type this post. So, seeing that you're all too piss weak to vote. I'll just go ahead and do whatever the hell I like... which I was going to do anyway but I thought it would be nice to let you feel like you have some involvement in the process. From now on you will all suffer under my reign. I officially declare Odd Blogs to be the under the dictatorship of His Wholesomeness Lord Pantsdown. Now, get down on your knees! posted by Steve | 12:50 PM Thursday, June 12, 2003 READERS POLL Glancing back over the last few months of Odd Blogs I noticed that back on March 19 I apologised for making too many political comments. Since then I've freaked out a poor reader named Badgerbag with the horrid story of pollution in Houston. Taken the piss out of the Klingon culture and shown my complete ignorance of quantum science. Claimed that R&B is scarier than Heavy Metal. Told a silly little tale about a girl that I may or not have met (more not than may). Gave away the big secret about a little issue of mine. And made numerous references to breasts. So, dear readers, I ask you. What most appeals to you? Politics? Boobies? Freaky stories? Jugs? Klingons, Sci-Fi and Sci-Fact? Tits? My tainted views of the Top 40 music charts? Hooters? Tales of Total Bullshit from the Pantsdown vaults? or Breasts? Leave your preference in the comments (poseurs). Thanks for taking the time to vote. Speaking of voting. Click here to rate my blog. Pantsdown posted by Steve | 1:20 PM DOUBLE NOTHING IS STILL NOTHING The Age June 12, 2003 According to a US report, the assets of C.P.Direct, one of the biggest internet spam operators, have been seized and will be distributed to victims. C.P.Direct is reported to have fleeced at least $US74 million from the gullible seeking larger penises, bigger breasts and hairier heads. According to a report on MSNBC.com, the US internet news portal, Arizona's Attorney-General has ordered seizure of the firm's assets, including 13 luxury homes and property valued at $US20 million, a fleet of expensive cars, and tens of millions of dollars in cash. Chief officers Michael Consoli, Geraldine Consoli and Vincent Passafiume, all of Scottsdale, Arizona, have been found guilty of fraud and money laundering. Documents showed that 90per cent of $74 million taken over two years came from sales of a penis-enlargement pill called Longitude. Users were warned to stop taking Longitude after reaching nine inches in length - "to avoid discomforting sexual partners." In fact the pills appear to have been mainly chalk with some sugar. Other products advertised by C.PO.Direct included Full and Firm, claimed to be "an implant in a bottle" that would increase breast size, Follicure to grow hair and Stature, a pill claimed to increase the height of its users by up to eight centimetres. Expert witnesses told the Arizona court that all the pills were the same and none would do what was claimed for them. Well that explains why I still get laughed at whenever I drop my pants... But how do you explain my massive breasts??? posted by Steve | 12:04 PM Tuesday, June 03, 2003 BISCUITS R US Found 3 June 2003 on news.bbc.co.uk OK. So you think I have too much time on my hands because I occassionally update this blog. Well consider the English wacko who has a web site dedicated to biscuits. Yep, it's true. He has them catergorized, rated and even has "interesting" little stories, like how he and "The Wife" went to the Official UK Tim Tam launch at the Australian Embassy where they learnt about the Tim Tam Suck. For all you ignoramii out there, a Tim Tam is a chocolate coated biscuit adored by many down under. I'm afraid the Tim Tam Suck is no where near as exciting as it sounds, basically it involves using the biscuit as a straw to suck up you tea or coffee. Check out the excitement at: www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com. As you can no doubt gather from the name, it's an action packed, non stop ride to the nursing home. But I'm sure my receptionist friend enjoys browsing there, whilst sipping her green tea, nibbling on a bickie and then brushing the crumbs from her magnifcent breasts.... GAAAAAAAAAAAA Well. If you're like me and biscuits just don't have what it takes to rock your jocks, then maybe this site is more your cup of tea (hee hee): www.ratemyboobies.com. I'm checking here every day because my favourite receptionist promised me she put her photo on this site. Ooo! Hellooo! Maybe this is it??? Or this??? It's a bit hard to tell as I've never actually seen them in the flesh before... maybe next time we're stuck in the elevator. What do ya say Backalley??? ;-) posted by Steve | 10:36 AM Thursday, May 29, 2003 OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME I met a girl named Money at a party. “That’s an unusual name” I said and we started chatting, it turned out we had a lot in common and really hit it off. Later at her place we sat on the couch and had a drink. She flicked on the TV, the lottery was just being drawn. I had bought a ticket but didn't have it with me so I jotted down the numbers, they looked good but I'd have to check the ticket to be sure. Maybe meeting a girl named Money was a good sign. I thought to myself. Well, after a couple more drinks and a few laughs, we started to kiss. Things quickly heated up from there and soon we were tearing each others clothes off and getting down to business. After about 20 amazing minute’s of passionate sex, I realized two incredible things; the condom had broken and I had come into Money. posted by Steve | 2:40 AM Thursday, May 22, 2003 DISS NEVER HAPPENED May 22 2003 In the Livewire section of The Age newspaper today was a little story on an article published in the New York Times about the hazards of making comments about your friends or people you work with on your blog. Luckily I'm not one to go about dissing my friends or colleagues. I mean who would be stupid enough to mention, for example, how good your receptionists tits look. Or that your best friend is in an ABBA trbute band and he's apparently NOT gay (not that there's anything wrong with being gay - However there's plenty of things wrong with being in an ABBA tribute band). Of course these are completely hyperthetical situations I have used just for the sake of argument. But if comments like these ever got back to the associated people imagine the shit it could create. So you can rest assured that I'd never ever do anything as stupid as to diss anyone I know on my blog. Peace. We out! posted by Steve | 1:21 PM LOOK OUT KLINGONS THE AUSSIES ARE COMING I found this story in the Technology section of http://news.bbc.co.uk published June 17 2002 It is a long way from Star Trek, but teleportation - the disembodiment of an object in one location and its reconstruction in another - has been successfully carried out in a physics lab in Australia. Scientists at the Australian National University (ANU) made a beam of light disappear in one place and reappear in another a short distance away. The Australian researchers have exploited a phenomenon called "quantum entanglement", which links the properties of two photons of light created at the same time. Einstein called it a "spooky interaction". What it means is that two photons can be created and sent to different places. It is possible to force one photon into a specific quantum mechanical state and, because the two photons are connected in some way, the other photon will instantaneously take up a complementary state. Using quantum entanglement, ANU physicist Ping Koy Lam has disassembled laser light at one end of an optical communications system and recreated a replica just a metre away. An encoded signal is embedded in an input stream of photons, which is entangled with another beam. Elsewhere in the lab, the beam of photons and the associated signal is reconstituted. "What we have demonstrated here is that we can take billions of photons, destroy them simultaneously, and then recreate them in another place," Dr Lam says. But for a human to be teleported, a machine would have to be built that could pinpoint and analyse the trillions and trillions of atoms that make up the human body. "I think teleporting of that kind is very, very far away," Dr Lam says. "We don't know how to do that with a single atom yet." Quantum teleporting is problematic for humans because the original is destroyed in the process of creating the replica. Right. So basically what the boffins did was turn off a light on one side of the lab and make another light come on in another part of the room. Ingenius, what will they think of next. Obviously Einstein was having an off day when he came up with the "Spooky Interaction" name. Sounds like a lame computer game. posted by Steve | 12:50 PM KLINGONS ARE PEOPLE TOO May 13 2003 http://news.bbc.co.uk A mental health service in the United States is looking for a translator who is fluent in Klingon, the language used in the television and film series Star Trek. Klingon is just one of about 55 languages needed by Multnomah County, in Oregon, which serves about 60,000 mental health patients. "We have to provide information in all the languages our clients speak," said Jerry Jelusich, from the county's department of human services. Although created for works of fiction, Klingon was designed to have a consistent grammar, syntax and vocabulary. Officials in Multnomah County have found many people - and not just fans - consider it a complete language. "There are some cases where we've had mental health patients where this was all they would speak," said Franna Hathaway, another county official. They say this obligates them to respond with a Klingon-English interpreter. This puts the language of Starship Enterprise officer Worf and other Klingon characters on a par with more common languages such as Russian and Vietnamese. I agree. It's very important not to piss off a Klingon, their lack of restraint is well known. The only difficulty is finding someone who can speak fluent Klingon who's not a raving nut case. Bit of a catch-22 I think. posted by Steve | 11:44 AM CAPITOL PUNISHMENT May 21 2003 Guardian, Washington US military interrogators are using unorthodox musical techniques - a fearsome mix of Metallica and Barney the Dinosaur - to extract information about weapons of mass destruction and fugitive Baath Party leaders from their detainees. The Americans have long been aware of the impact of heavy metal music on foreign miscreants. They blared Van Halen (among other artists) at Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega when he took refuge in the Vatican embassy in Panama City, and blasted similarly high-decibel music at Afghan caves where al-Qaeda fighters were thought to be hiding. Now it is reported that the combination of high-voltage rock and happy children's songs can break the will of the hardest terrorist or rogue element. "Trust me, it works," a US "operative" told Newsweek magazine. "In training, they forced me to listen to the Barney, I Love You song for 45 minutes. I never want to go through that again." US interrogators routinely employ "stress and duress" techniques, including sleep deprivation, which human rights activists describe as a form of torture. "Prolonged sensory deprivation and prolonged sensory overstimulation can cause intense suffering," said Dinah PoKempner of Human Rights Watch. "You can torture someone with psychological pressure." Former army intelligence colonel Ralph Peters called heavy metal "the American equivalent of sending bagpipes into battle". "Anything you can do to disconcert someone is going to help," he said. "But it's a myth that torture is effective. The best way to win someone over is to treat them kindly." Newsweek quotes a Sergeant Mark Hadsell explaining the qualities of heavy metal that bends the will of US enemies. "These people haven't heard heavy metal before. They can't take it. If you play it for 24 hours, your brain and body functions start to slide, your train of thought slows down and your will is broken. "That's when we come in and talk to them." Geez. Metallica is hardly intense punishment. If they want some real nasty HEAVY METAL why don't they try a little Slip Knot that should put the fear into them. Or worse still some of the horrid R&B crap that's currently stinking up the Top 40 charts at the moment. One hour of that aural version of rancid hog shit would have me admitting to manufacturing chemical and nuclear weapons, the NAZI atrocities, faked moon landings, JFK's second gunman and just about any other horror you can think of. As for the children's songs, that's just plain mean. No one should have to endure that. Oh! and by the way. I hope the US Miltary paid for that Metallica CD. They're very touchy about unauthorized recording of their stuff. posted by Steve | 11:12 AM Monday, March 31, 2003 LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE Monday March 31, 2003 Tall tales of hunting and fishing exploits could be a thing of the past in America's Midwest. The town of Mount Sterling, Iowa, plans to ban its 40 residents from telling lies. I was very happy to read this. America finally seems to be taking steps towards becoming a respected member of the community of planet Earth. Hopefully this trend will extend all the way to the Whitehouse and the Pentagon. Maybe one day we'll find out the truth about how George W Bush became president without getting the majority of votes and the real reason to why he sent the troops into invade Iraq. Of course the most important truth we all want to know is why they replaced Samantha's husband in Bewitched with a completely different guy and then acted as if nothing has changed. posted by Steve | 5:06 AM DARK MATTER Monday March 24, 2003 The latest fad to hit New York's singles scene is "Dinner in the Dark", a gourmet meal served and eaten in darkness. Only the waiters, wearing night-vision goggles, can see what's going on. What's so new about this? Americans have been keeping themsleves in the dark for decades. posted by Steve | 4:57 AM MMMMM BARBEQUE Thursday March 20, 2003 Scientists have discovered why the air quality in Houston is so poor: the atmosphere over the self-proclaimed "barbecue capital of Texas" is thick with minuscule pieces of flame-grilled meat. The US government is hoping next week to proclaim Baghdad as the Barbeque Capital of the Middle East. Rumour has it that the BBQ King, George Foreman has been commisioned to create some tantalising tasty treats from Saddam's moustache. posted by Steve | 4:54 AM BLOODY RE-PUBLICANS The Age, Wednesday March 19, 2003 British consumers are losing millions of pounds a year because publicans are failing to pour full pints of beer, according to a national audit by the Government's spending watchdog. Clever doggy. Hunt down those bastards that are denying us our beer and tear them all new arseholes! posted by Steve | 4:47 AM Wednesday, March 19, 2003 SOLDIER ON - Part 2 A Romanian soldier who collapsed on the parade ground has been diagnosed as suffering from acute sexual frustration. Adrian Busureanu, who's 21, collapsed and started convulsing uncontrollably at a barracks in Valcea, Romania. After carrying out exhaustive tests to find the cause of the problem, doctors at a military hospital diagnosed Busureanu as suffering from an "acute case of sexual frustration". A spokesman said: "He became feverish, delusional and finally hysterical after being apart from his girlfriend for two months. He was suffering from hysteria induced by sexual frustration." One doctor at the military hospital told local paper 'Libertatea': "He was brought to us at the peak of his crisis. "We managed to bring him back to normal and then discovered this was all because he was sexually frustrated." Busureanu told doctors being apart from his girlfriend for so long had been unbearable: "I haven't seen her since I came here two months ago. It is impossible," he said. But he is unlikely to get relief soon. In Romania compulsory military service runs for between six and 12 months Obviously this soldier needs to see some action soon. But not with those skanky syphilis ridden slappers that are hanging around the US bases. posted by Steve | 11:22 AM SOLDIER ON - Part 1 Romanian police have launched a military-style operation to keep prostitutes away from US troops. Officers in Constanta are running round-the-clock patrols and raiding brothels to stop prostitutes meeting US soldiers who have recently arrived at a nearby airbase. Head of the Constanta police, Traian Jipa, told Libertatea: "We have organised day and night raids and patrols in areas where prostitutes usually gather. "We want to test all the prostitutes we can to see if they have any sexually transmitted diseases. "We have already taken 10 girls aged 19 to 33 into custody and tests have showed that they all have syphilis. They are a real danger to anyone's health." The paper said officers feared prostitutes from other parts of the country could be heading to the city to "make a fast buck" by having sex with American soldiers. Over 4,000 US soldiers are currently based in Constanta as the build-up for a possible attack on Iraq continues. Local media say another 1,000 troops will arrive next week. Well that's an original way to protest about the USA invasion of Iraq. posted by Steve | 11:16 AM COME BACK BILL. WE MISS YOU How is it possible that America can go from having a dope smoking sex maniac as President to a war munger in such a short time? Bill Clinton was almost kicked out of the Whitehouse for having uncontrollable sexual urges. Before all that he was in the shit for admitting he sampled a bit of hooch back in the 60's. All Bill was guilty of was just being a fun loving guy. So what if he stained a young ladies dress or found other uses for cigars, these are qualities all good leaders should have. Anyone can start a fight but not everyone can convince a 20 or so year old girl to give you a blow job under the desk or stick a cigar into her pussy. George W Bush is either hated or laughed at all around the world and there hasn't been one word of impeachment. I wonder if Al Qaeda would have attacked America if someone other than George Bush was voted in as President... assuming he was actually voted in and didn't buy or sell himself in. I know which President I'd like my children to grow up to be like. Sorry to anyone who is sick of the recent political slant I've displayed on Odd Blogs. It's difficult not to have an opinion when a war is being waged that seems to be opposed by the majority of the population of this planet we share. From now on I will try to return to the quirky and light-hearted style that Odd Blogs was intended to be... I wonder what those whacky Romanians are up to??? posted by Steve | 2:16 AM Tuesday, March 18, 2003 48 HOURS George W Bush, President of the United States of America, has been given 48 hours to prove he's not a Complete Fucking Moron. However most people believe that he will not comply and will therefore go down in history as the possibly the world's most infamous Complete Fucking Moron, closely followed by British Priminister Tony Blair and Australian Priminister John Howard. posted by Steve | 10:39 AM Tuesday, February 18, 2003 THE PANTSDOWN MISSION CONTINUES Greetings Fellow Odd Bloggers, Apologies for my extended departure. I have been travelling the World... whilst there's still a world to see. It was a hectic time but a matter of great importance. I had some special business to attend to in London, Paris and Rome, plus a short side trip to Switzerland, regarding a revolution against the evil tirant known as George W Bush. As you may have seen on the weekend I have gathered a good deal of followers to the Pantsdown cause and even dispatched messengers to El Presidente Bush's own shores and other far flung places of the planet to gather supporters to show our strength. I also visited Edinburgh in Scotland on the 31st December and collected a large contingent there who were all willing to take to the streets on a cold winters night and show solidarity for the cause in what the locals refer to as "Hogmanay". By the end of the evening there were thousands of jolly followers dancing in the streets, hugging and kissing strangers as if they were long lost loved one's. It was a sight to behold. But now I have returned and will endeavour to continue the Pantsdown mission. Stay tuned. posted by Steve | 10:31 AM Sunday, November 10, 2002 WHISTLE WHILE YOU JERK The Age. 8th November, 2002 The Governor of the Australian state of Victoria, John Landy faces unfair dismissal action after sacking a steward for alleged misconduct including whistling, singing in the pantry, and providing his wife, Mrs Landy, with her runners when she had requested walking shoes. Jonathon Prince had his employment terminated by Government House's official secretary because of a list of concerns held by Government House staff about Mr Prince's performance. They include that he allowed fires "to go almost out", and, on August 23, forgot to give Mrs Landy and her tennis guest their tea, coffee, and the "usual fruit platter". Since late July, "Jonathon has been whistling and singing and humming to himself in a low tone which has irritated others and is not appropriate behaviour for a member of the pantry". On October 5, Mr Prince left work early, and walked "by two urns of dead flowers". On a country tour, Mrs Landy "made a specific request for her walking shoes". "Jonathon assumed these were runners rather than the shoes Mrs Landy required, which were not obviously walking shoes," his performance review said. It's about time they cracked down on these slackers who are so blissfully unaware of their own incompetence that they perpetually whistle and even sing, in the pantry none-the-less. What is this world coming to? posted by Steve | 2:42 AM Thursday, November 07, 2002 IT'S TIME TO VOTE This week the Victorian state government announced that there would be an election held on November 30. You can vote online at www.ratemypoo.com posted by Steve | 5:42 AM Saturday, November 02, 2002 GREATEST TOWN NAME IN THE WORLD Did you know that there's a town in Austria called Fucking? Well I'll tell you what, it was fucking news to me. But it's made me as fucking happy as a fucking pig in fucking muck because now I can use the fucking word "fucking" as much as I fucking well like, because it's not actually fucking swearing, it's a fucking town in fucking Austria. Which is just fucking brilliant! Here's the fucking photographic proof: 
And if you still don't fucking believe me, here's a fucking web site to fucking prove it. Click fucking here. Fucking fuck fuckers. A fucking note to all the fucking Geographically Challenged fucking idiots out there: Fucking Austria has nothing to do with fucking Australia. Fucking kangaroos are fucking native to fucking Australia not fucking Austria (there might be some kanga-fucking-roos in fucking zoos in fucking Austria though). Fucking Austria is in fucking Europe and fucking Australia is a fucking big island with the Indian fucking Ocean on it's west fucking coast and the Pacific fucking Ocean on it's east fucking coast. There are no fucking oceans near Austria, it's completely fucking land-locked. I hope we've fucking cleared that up. Well that's fucking it. It's fucking late so I'm going to fucking bed... maybe I'll get some fucking fucking. OK. I think I might have over-fucking-done it with the fucking thing. What do you fucking think? posted by Steve | 1:16 PM I LOVE ROCKIN' PUSSIES Hey guys! *** Do you love dudes who know how to ROCK? *** *** And do you love PUSSIES? *** *** Does the idea of seeing both of these combined turn you on? *** Well then, click here and all your dreams will come true. I promise... Would I lie to you??? Give it time. posted by Steve | 12:33 PM MY DIRECTOR MADE ME DO IT  posted by Steve | 11:50 AM Thursday, October 24, 2002 A LITTLE LESS CAMEL TOE. A LITTLE MORE ELVIS  Wednesday, October 23, 2002 COP THIS Annanova Thursday 17th October 2002 A Romanian couple allegedly caught having sex in their car in front of a police station have been acquitted due to a lack of evidence. The young lovers, from Livezi, Vilcea county, whose names and exact age were not made public, were discovered by a police patrol but denied the charges. A court revoked the £200 public indecency fine the police gave them over a lack of sustainable evidence. The policeman who discovered the couple says the girl was completely naked and he had to wait for her to get dressed before taking the couple into the police station to be charged. He told the RomNet news agency: What proof do they need? I saw them with my own eyes. "They had just come out from the discotheque, got into their car which was parked in front of the station and began having wild sex. "I could actually see the brake lights turning on and off when they accidentally touched the pedal." The young couple were looking for "the Valley of Happiness" sex theme park (reported in Odd Blogs 9th Oct 2002) and thought that they'd just stop outside the Police Station and wait for a nice officer to help them out. Those randy Romanians. Obviously they're just throwing off the shackles from all those years of polical oppression. Randy Romanians, I salute you. posted by Steve | 11:25 AM BIG THANKS Thank you to Kevin O'Rourke who left a flattering comment today. Kevin is the first person to discover the marvel that is Odd Blogs without me personally informing him of it's existence. In fact Kevin is a complete stranger to me. I can't tell you anything about him except that his surname is O'Rourke, so he might be from Ireland or have Irish ancestry, and he's my newest best friend in the whole world. Please visit again Kev (do you mind if I call you Kev?), there's many a good time to be had at Odd Blogs. Tell your friends. Tell your friend to tell their friends. I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank my two regular visitors, Sally and Mikey, who have supported me in ways that they may never know (and it's best that you don't know). Thanks guys. I love youse. I love youse all. Grovelling will cease... Now. posted by Steve | 11:08 AM GEOLOGICAL GENITALS I photographed these marvels of nature on the island of Ko Samui in Thailand. They're only about 20 metres apart, the locals refer to them as Grand Pa and Grand Ma rocks.   posted by Steve | 10:27 AM SEXIN' IT UP A BIT  posted by Steve | 9:49 AM Sunday, October 20, 2002 HOW PATHETIC AM I? Here's the next step in my Get Odd Blogs OUT THERE (I don't care where THERE is as long as it's OUT) campaign. In a shameless attempt to get more readers to Odd Blogs. I call on my current readers (all two of you) to click on the following link as many times as you like and rate Odd Blogs. I won't say your time will go unrewarded because it probably will... sorry that's just the way I am (vanity has it's price... But there's no-way I'm going to pay anyone to read this crap). Just click on the link. Is my Blog HOT or NOT? Thank you. Come again Pantsdown posted by Steve | 11:34 AM CIRCUMCISING UNDER THE INFLUENCE Samuel Greenbaum, 58, one of five "mohels" in the Detroit area (qualified to conduct the Jewish circumcision ritual), was charged with DUI after being stopped on June 18 on his way to perform his craft on a boy in West Bloomfield Township. He told police he was en route from another circumcision, at which he might have had a couple of glasses of wine, but felt (despite failing a Breathalyzer test) that he was alert enough to wield the scalpel-like instrument. Samuel's was heard to say at the last circumcision. "Oopsh! Oh well that will save the little guy from a lot of trouble when he grows up." posted by Steve | 10:46 AM Thursday, October 17, 2002 STINKY WEE(D) The amazing thing about asparagus is that even if you don't know when you ate it. You always know that you've eaten it. posted by Steve | 3:50 AM Tuesday, October 15, 2002 AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE Apart from the stresses of stupid plot twists in 24, Channel 7 have decided that running the program 2 days a week was a great way to pull in the suckers (like yours truely) and have now changed the programming to once a week. Thereby further dragging out this tragedy. And then to add lemon juice to my privates, they put on Boston Public for two hours and move my other TV addiction, Dark Angel, to 10:30pm. Fuck I hate TV stations, they're like drug dealers. They give you a taste then once you're hooked they go and screw around with the programming. They do this to all the programs I like but continue to air crap like Ally McBeal or continuously show reruns of Seinfeld or Everybody Loves Raymond, which we've all seen a hundred times or more, during "normal" time slots. FUCKERS! posted by Steve | 11:45 AM 24 HOURS OF TORTURE Another Rants From The Pants. It's time to spill my guts (SSSLLLPLAT!!! Ewww! I don't remember eating that!). I've gotten myself hooked on that TV show 24. I've seen every episode. Like most American TV shows (ie. X-Files); it started off good with lots of twists and stuff to keep the audience interested but the last 3 episodes have pissed me off no end. The writers no longer build in twists to the story but seem to prefer to have the characters perform some of the dumbest blunders ever seen on telly to keep the story from becoming predictable. In case you have missed it I'll sumise the last 3 episodes (3pm to 6pm - I think): Firstly, Mrs Bauer and her yummy daughter escape the assassins but the dumb-ass Mrs Bauer, turns off the highway on to a dirt road, and instead of continuing down this dirt road she parks the damn car too close to a bagucking cliff and walks back to the highway to see if the bad guys followed her, leaving yummy daughter Kim in the car (and what if the bad guys did see her take the dirt road, she's screwed. She can't out run a speeding car. Dumb-ass). Lo-and-behold the car slips off and plunges into a ravine and explodes. Dumb-ass then faints cos she thinks she just killed her daughter, wakes up a few minutes later, somehow developing amnaesia, supposedly from the shock (more like her brain said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever done. How about we just forget that ever happened") and wanders off evetually meeting up with the guy she was shagging on the side. Fortunately yummy Miss Bauer is thrown from the car and survives but then heads to the guy who kidnapped her in the first place with the pathetic idea that he can help find her mummy. Instead she gets caught up in the middle of drug deal that's about to get ugly cos' the guy whos supposed to have the 20G's is dead, only no-one has bothered to tell his brother who is now hoping to score a shitload of E with the dosh he thinks his deceased bro has from kidnapping the Bauer girls. One of which is sitting in the same room as him. Meanwhile Dumb-ass Mrs Bauer has completely forgotten that she's supposed to be hiding and goes home to find a bad guy waiting for her. Aside from the dumb-ass Bauer Bitches there's Jack Bauer who works for CTU, Counter Terrorist Unit (played suprisingly well by Keffer Sutherland, who everyone thought was washed up in rehab somewhere). He is struggling to keep his head above water whilst being surrounded by morons that include a stupid bitch who unknowingly was shagging a guy who wants to assinate her boss who is a black man running for president. They try to catch the assasin by using this dumb slut to slip a tracking device into his wallet only she decides to go one better and stab him in the guts with a letter opener. Then the assasins phone rings and there's a guy on it wanting to meet for a pay off. Jack heads off to meet this guy pretending to be the assasin and they send another guy as back-up who just so happens to hate Jack's guts because he snitched on his partner. When the money guy gets suss on Jack and does a runner, the back-up guy shoots him and blows him off a bridge. Now we have two baddies that could lead Jack to finding the ring leader, only they're dead or dying. If there's a real CTU, I hope they aren't as fucked up as they're portrayed in 24. This is where they left us at the end of last nights episode. We are way behind the USA here in Australia so don't be a smart arse and tell me what happens next if you know. Although I'm pissed off with the writers I'm still curious to see if they can redeem themselves by the final episode. I guess I'm like a crack addict. I'm hooked on something I know is fucked up but I keep coming back for more. posted by Steve | 10:40 AM Friday, October 11, 2002 SOUR PUSS The Age 11th October, 2002 Reproductive physiologist Roger Short, of the University of Melbourne's obstetrics department, said laboratory tests had shown that lemon juice could kill sperm and the AIDS virus. "We can show in the lab that lemon juice is very effective in immobilising human sperm and also very effective in killing HIV," he told ABC television in a program screened last night. The juice should be squeezed on to a piece of sponge or cotton wool and placed in the vagina before sex, Professor Short said. The director of research at the sexual health service FPA Health Australia, Dr Edith Weisberg, said Professor Short's theory was promising but needed more work. I'm a bit worried about this. I mean, you know how much it hurts when you get lemon juice in you're eye... See where I'm coming from? This is a very sensitive area of the human body and lemon juice is quite acidic. This could all lead to some very nasty episodes and really ruin the mood between a couple in the throws of passion. Has this Roger Short (I bet he does) character actually tried this out himself? And what about other fruit juices like mango or strawberry? They sure taste better... if you get my drift. posted by Steve | 6:13 AM Wednesday, October 09, 2002 SEXUAL PLAYGROUND Ananova Wednesday 9th October 2002 A Romanian mayor has managed to double the birth rate in his village after building a sex theme park. Couples are encouraged to have sex at the park which has cabins, facilities for cooking romantic dinners, a music system and even a telephone for calling erotic lines. Corneliu Olar, mayor of Horea village, says his Valley of Happiness project was intended to increase the population of the village and transform it into a town. He says the number of new born children has already doubled in the last six years since he was elected. The mayor told Libertatea newspaper: "We put a lot of work into this place and tried to make it an attraction for all those who want to make love in a special environment. We wanted to offer them an adventure they would never forget." Mr Olar, who is a bachelor, said the site for the Valley of Happiness was chosen because it was a place where lovers had traditionally come to. Villager Dumitru Neag said: "My mother told me I was procreated here and I myself had this experience. "It was special maybe because, I think, this place got a positive energy from all those couples who made love here during the time." Well done Mayor Olar. You are a freakin' genius. And I just love the name, "Valley of Happiness". Sheer brilliance! This is bound to increase the tourist trade to Romania ( neglected for far to long). And soon there will be a Dracula Park that is already haunted by the angry ghost of Count Dracula himself... I'm not kidding, this is true... well the bit about the Dracula Park is. See the next story. posted by Steve | 12:27 PM DRAC'S BACK... AND HE'S PISSED OFF! Ananova Wednesday 26th June 2002 A ghostbuster claims the spirit of Count Dracula is haunting the proposed site of a theme park to be built in his name. Damian Ioan Cusleaga was asked to investigate after terrified tourists reported seeing the vampire's ghost wandering through the streets. He believes Dracula has appeared to try and stop plans to create a Dracula theme park in the area from going ahead. The Dracula Park is to be built in Sighisoara - the hometown of 15th century Prince Vlad the Impaler who inspired Bram Stoker's Dracula novel. See! What did I tell ya? I'd love to see the ghost of Prince Vlad the Impaler visit the Valley of Happiness... Oh boy, would that be great or what! :-) posted by Steve | 12:14 PM Saturday, October 05, 2002 GOAT No. 5 Friday 4th October 2002 Police in Chile have caught a dealer who allegedly sold fake perfume made of goat urine. The 47-year-old is charged with creating a secret laboratory to manufacture fake perfumes. The perfume was sold all over Santiago by street vendors. Police said he employed nine people to fake expensive perfumes such as Chanel No.5 and Paloma Picasso. A chemical analysis of two perfume samples revealed they were made with goat urine and vodka. Newspaper La Cuarta reports that the man faces a prison sentence. Chanel, The popular French perfume maker, are also suing the man for stealing their formula for Chanel No 5. posted by Steve | 3:39 PM PORN FOR PEACE Saturday 5th October 2002 Former Italian porn star La Cicciolina has offered to give herself to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein in exchange for world peace. The Hungarian-born actress, whose real name is Ilona Staller, has also been a member of the Italian parliament. She said she has already made the offer to Hussain before, during the Gulf War. "I would do it holding my nose and closing my eyes - I would do it for peace," she told Catalan daily El Periodicoon. When asked if she would offer the same jesture to George W Bush for world peace, La Cicciolina replied, "What do you think I am some kind of crazy person? I would rather fuck a goat with genital warts the size of mangoes than go anywhere near that dispicable son of a maggot. You people are sick. What kind of question is that? Uughh! I can't believe you would even suggest that. It's sick, really sick. This interview is over... posted by Steve | 2:33 PM Thursday, October 03, 2002 Startling Revelation Nobody reads this blog! I installed Enetation Comments back in August. Since then only 3 people have left comments. One was me (just testing), the second was my brother in-law and the third was a friend. Notes to self: 1. Find out what (or who) I have to do to get OddBlogs listed on Blogger, Google, Yahoo etc. Suprisingly the meta tags aren't working, I thought the words "Britney Spears", "topless carwash" and "nude" would attract attention. Maybe I shouldn't have put in "George Bush" and "naked". 2. All I need is one person to find this site and they'll tell their friends, and they'll tell their freinds, and they'll tell their friends, and... SHUT UP YOU JIBBERING IDIOT!!!. Nobody cares about your stupid little blog or YOU! 3. Tell subconcious to go fuck himself. P.S. The last posting was completely fabricated just so I could use that photo (how pathetic). I have no idea how many Americans are illiterate. Although I'm pretty sure that George Junior is completely stupid. posted by Steve | 11:36 PM Wednesday, October 02, 2002 --- One in Twenty Americans Can't Read --- Recent research in the USA has found that a high percentage of the population experience difficulties reading, writing or are completely illiterate. The study also found that a suprisingly high number of people in influential positions in the private sector and even the government suffer some kind of reading difficulty.  posted by Steve | 3:03 AM Monday, September 30, 2002 Best Lawyer in The World Seven men who bared all in Toronto's Gay Pride Parade have been cleared of public nudity charges because they were wearing shoes, and so technically were not naked. I bet those shoes were Gucci. Next time I perform the infamous Pantsdown Parade I'll have to remember to keep my shoes on. P.S. Who was their lawyer? posted by Steve | 3:08 AM Babies Are So Cute September 30 2002 A small boy who fell from a first-storey window was saved from injury by his fully laden nappy, which burst on impact, German police said yesterday. The child, 20 months, hit the ground on his rump. Experts said the splattered diaper had acted like a car airbag, absorbing the shock. While alone in a room Saturday, the boy had crawled onto a window sill of his apartment in Korschenbroich, near the western city of Neuss, and leaned against a window where the catch was open. He was unhurt. I'd like to know why someone would claim to be an expert in the energy absorbing abilities of a diaper full of babies shit. posted by Steve | 2:58 AM Saturday, September 28, 2002 Just Another Ordinary Day in Melbourne Well folks it's late afternoon on the last Saturday in September and I think it's time for an installment of... "Rants from the Pants". It's cold and raining here in Melbourne but a large majority of the city's population are outside. Today is the craziest of days in this town where people congregate at barbeques or at the main sports stadium of this Sports-mad town watching the Grand Final of the Australian Rules football. I of course am not watching this event because, in my opinion, it is neither grand nor final. The event begins with the obligatory pre-game show which entails somekind of dance performance, Air Force jet fly overs (a show of military mite that I'm sure would make Saddam wet his pants... laughing) and a mainstream "talent" singing. This little crowd warmer is followed by "The Big Game" that the presenters proudly profess will be watched by millions of people around the world. What they don't mention is that this figure is sweet FA compared to the number of people following other ball sports on this planet and that the only people watching this game in other countries are Australian's working/living or holidaying. Here's a brief description of Australian Rules Football for the billions who have never heard of it: The game involves 18 athletic men in short shorts and tight flamboyant coloured tops chasing a wet slippery oval shaped ball of leather around a immaculately manucured lawn. And yet when I answer some Yobbo's (Australian for Redneck) question about which team I support as "None, I don't follow football", I get the response "Wot are ya, a poofter (gay) or sumthun' ?". Of course the description for Australian Rules Football can be applied to any code of football (only the number of men playing changes). And the homophobic response from a keen follower will also be similar when presented with another male who does not get satisfaction from watching men get all muddy and slippery wrestling for a ball. Football is often compared to religion. And I for one can see many resemblances, such as: Followers of one faction (team) hate followers of other factions. Followers of one doctrine (code) hate followers of other doctrines. Then there's the territorial aspect where Faction 1 come from another place than Faction 2 - Although, there is a team from Melbourne playing today called Collingwood. They represent a suburb of Melbourne and are playing against a team from Brisbane (a whole other city in a whole other state). The strange thing is that the majority of followers of other Melbourne teams hate Collingwood and would rather see the "foreigners" win. I think Collingwood are regarded as the Seventh Day Aventists of the league. Their followers are over zealous and they like to inform everyone of their opinions but basically they follow the same beliefs. Football is just the continuation of the religious wars that have occurred over the past millennia or two, such as the struggle between Christians and Muslims during the Middle-Ages or the struggle between Prodestants and Catholics. I will never understand the fascination for football nor the faith of religion. I am an atheist to both. You can judge or catergorise me anyway you like. But I will never judge you by the colour of your skin or the scarf or jacket you wear... Only by your actions. Peace posted by Steve | 7:11 AM Wednesday, September 25, 2002 --- Eighty Foot Schwarzenegger Statue --- An Austrian town is divided on plans to erect a huge steel statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his Terminator role. The 80ft statue in the centre of Graz will be a tribute to local boy Arnold Schwarzenegger and will tower over more traditional statues of Mozart and the Austrian Emperor Kaiser Franz Joseph. But many locals believe the tribute is not in fitting with the town's image as it takes up the mantle of European City of Culture next year. The giant steel Terminator will cost £3.2m and be built next year in Graz City Park. A group of local artists, the Graz City Park Forum, is the main backer for the statue which was commissioned from two Russian artists, Aristarkh Chernyshev and Vladislav Efimov. City Park Forum spokesman Herwig Hoeller says the proposal had met with a huge amount of support from both local people and foreigners and that the critics are in a minority. He said: "I have received emails from many people saying they will certainly visit Graz when it is finished. It will be a major attraction and people will come from all over the world to see it." Schwarzenegger already has a sport stadium in Graz named after him in recognition of his sporting achievements and Hoeller says it is now time his "giant achievements" as an actor were also honoured. "Schwarzenegger is, after all, our biggest cultural export," he said.  Wow! 80ft. That's almost as big as Arnie's ego. Personally I would like to see the statue made in honour of his role in Kindergarten Cop. Imagine it. There'd be little kiddies hanging off his legs and arms and a brass plaque with the words "It's not a tumor!". posted by Steve | 3:24 AM Saturday, September 21, 2002 AIRHEADS Saturday September 21, 2002 A Brazilian rock musician stormed a radio station and forced the disc jockey at gunpoint to play his band's CD, which was rated as one of the worst of the year by MTV. This shows the lengths Rock musicians have to go to just to get a radio station to play anything other than manufactured kiddie-pop. On a trip to South America a couple of years ago I came to the terrifying realisation that kiddie-pop is a franchise. After watching the local versions of MTV in Chile and Peru I soon found that the majority of the music was from boy-bands, girl-bands or a "solo singer" (not counting the producer and all the wizz-bang electronic gear that could make a chainsaw sound like a cello). Although they were singing in Spanish I could clearly understand the message of each song... Sell it to the kids and make us rich. This same franchising happens all over the world. Which makes me think that there's someone at the top who is controlling all this, designing the formula that makes a song sell to the masses (under 18 years old), and they're making shit-loads of money out of it. The beautiful young things in front of the camera are pawns in this game. They're expendable, if they burn out due to the pressures of whirl-wind tours or die in car or plane crashes (which might just be a tidy way of getting rid of troublesom talent) then the Shit-mill just squeezes out another one to take their place. I say we hunt them down and put an end to this. George Bush wants to rid the world of Saddam but I think he should shift his target, aim the missiles at the kiddie-pop producers. posted by Steve | 9:20 PM Thursday, September 19, 2002 Lesson Learnt Wednesday September 18, 2002 A Yemeni man who divorced his first wife because she was loud and argumentative picked a deaf and mute woman as his new bride. It just so happens that the guys new wife was also a nymphomaniac with an oral fixation... Go figure! posted by Steve | 10:29 AM Thursday, September 05, 2002 Porn To Save Swedish Population Ananova Quirkies. Thursday 5th September 2002 Swedish politician says there should be more porn on TV to help boost the country's population. Christian Democrat Teres Kirpikli says not enough babies are being born in Sweden. She believes that putting porn on television will put couples in the mood for sex. The 35-year-old mother of three told Expressen: "I want more porn on TV. For example every Saturday, all day. That will give people the lust to have sex." The local politician's comments have created a scandal within her party and one member of Parliament has advised her to step down. But Mrs Kirpikli, from Skovde, says she believes most people like porn but very few want to admit it. "There is nothing wrong with a married couple watching porn together. I have done it with my husband many times, and it was good." But she adds that she does not want to see more hardcore porn on TV. Now we're talking!!! It's about time we had some good quality porn on TV to replace the plethora of other rubbish that constantly polutes our screens. I'm especially fond of the All-Day-Saturday plan... beats the hell out of football. But what worries me is Mrs Kirpikli's suggestion that porn will encourage people to reproduce. Has she thought about why couples are choosing not to have kids? Just look at what we see weekly on our televisions: War, terrorism, polution, climate change, over population and American Sitcoms. Who would want to bring a child into the world with a future like that? Watch an episode of Friends or Ally McBeal and tell me that doesn't scare the shit out of you about having children (and life in general). My greatest fear in life is that I have kids that turn out to be just like those boring bastards on Friends or complete Fruit Loops like Ally MacBeal... Or worse still a FUCKING politician! I'll stick to porn as a solo stimulant thank you very much. posted by Steve | 11:26 AM Wednesday, August 28, 2002 Man Divorces Wife Due To Dildo Dilema' Ananova Quirkies. Thursday 22nd August 2002 A Romanian man wants to divorce his wife because he claims she's spent all their money on sex toys. Teacher Teodor Popescu, from Focsani, wants to ends his two-year marriage to Maria. He has filed for divorce with the local court. He told the National daily newspaper: "I have had enough. The final straw came when she used the last of our savings, £40, to buy herself four different vibrators. "I hope she is satisfied with the toys because she won't get any more pleasure from me." The average monthly income in Romania is the equivalent of £70. And the problem is...? Look Teodor, your wife bought all those sex toys for one very good (and bloody obvious) reason... You are crap in the sack! The clever girl knew that if she divorced you then she'd look like a bad person and possibly lose out in the divorce settlement (not that it sounds like there's much left to haggle over). But, if she continued to do something that she knows will piss you off no-end then you would divorce her and then you would look like the bad guy. Geez man. Don't tell me you think that she's going to miss your sorry little pecker? posted by Steve | 1:24 PM Smoking Is A Sanity Hazard A Slovakian motorist who blew up his car and a petrol station when he used a cigarette lighter to look into his petrol tank is to be charged with endangering public safety. The man was also charged with firearm offences... Get it? FIRE - ARM!... Ah! What the hell. Who am I kidding? It wasn't worth the effort... but I'll post it anyway. posted by Steve | 1:10 PM No Scare Left In Scarecrows Wednesday August 28, 2002 A judge on an inspection visit to a Brazilian jail discovered a straw scarecrow dressed in police uniform on the watchtower "guarding" 735 prisoners. The scarecrow had apparently been on duty for days. A combination of privatization, staff cut backs and the unions being shunted out have resulted in scarecrows being forced to work extra long hours. These days it's not uncommon to find scarecrows that have worked several shifts back-to-back. None of the scarecrows we interviewed would dare to take this issue up with their employer in fear of losing their jobs. posted by Steve | 1:00 PM Diamonds Are Forever. And So Is Death Saturday August 24, 2002 The mayor of a French Mediterranean town, faced with a cemetery "full to bursting", has banned local residents from dying until he can find somewhere else to bury them. He introduced the ban after a court rejected his plans to build a new cemetery by the sea. Dear Mayor of French Mediterranean town, Here is the answer to all your problems with the life challenged people of your village: Friday August 23, 2002 A US firm has developed a process for turning cremated human remains into diamonds that can be worn as jewellery. "We're building on the fact that living creatures are carbon-based and diamonds are carbon-based," said the head of LifeGem Memorials. posted by Steve | 12:53 PM |
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